A hung parliament. The Australian Sex Party. I had thought the only discernable winners of the 2010 election were those with a fondness for bad puns and sexual innuendo. It’s entirely possible this is still true, despite Labor now forming a minority government. Technically I fit into that category and should therefore be thrilled, and would be if the entire campaign had not been such a dully embarrassing affair. I’d almost like to see Parliament dissolved, if only to see what sort of campaign would be run by the major parties this time around, seeing as I couldn’t really detect anything resembling one last time. No, “Stop the Boats” and “He is innumerate” do not constitute acceptable political slogans and thus have been discounted.
I volunteered for The Greens at a polling booth in the Western Sydney seat of Watson on election day, and what I’m about to recount would be pantswettingly hilarious if it wasn’t so genuinely frightening. “Have you considered voting Green this year?” elicited some pretty interesting responses, ranging from complete perplexity (“The Greens. They’re Liberal, right?”) to the lady who politely inquired about the local candidate for the House of Reps and listened attentively while we explained that she was a member of the local council and replied with a firm “I’ll make sure I put her last, then.” Then there was the first-time voter who bounced up and asked “Are you with the swordfish lady?” Uh, no. But my favourite by quite some distance was the 60 year old lady who had been CEO of two companies (irrelevant information? I thought so too. But she did mention it at leat seven times so I kind of figured it must be important) and with all her life experience laughed at us and told us we were going to Hell in the most condescending, I’m-your-Grandmother-look-at-me-smile-while-I-condemn-you-to-the-fiery-pits kind of way possible. Apparently the earth is cooling and Jesus is in control, there’s nothing any of us can do and if we don’t believe that then we’re most certainly going to Hell. This coming after she knowingly informed us that in 60 years we’ll look back at our voting choices and realise the gravity of our mistakes. I told her that in 60 years if we still have a functioning planet I’ll actually be pretty chuffed I voted Green.
*And yes, I absolutely did steal this from Rob Oakeshott. You fucking god. People of Lyne, please oh please don’t return to your Nationals voting, conservative cocktard ways, or so help me I’ll do uni by distance and change back my electoral details.